He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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