Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize