I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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