I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
we should paint friendship bongs
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
