census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
