Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize