So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
