Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
