I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
