her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
