i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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