remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
love makes seman taste better
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
