She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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