hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
