Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
