He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
