matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
