I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize