We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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