"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize