It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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