Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
