My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I want her autograph on my taint
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
