I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
