I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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