if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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