your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
