When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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