So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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