new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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