Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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