toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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