Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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