i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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