but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize