The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
