apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
