I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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