Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
