was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I want to fling myself into the sun
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
