if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
