All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
