My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
