i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
