i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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