just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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