a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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