drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
