new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
