If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Please don't give away my fajitas
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize