The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Text me some of your sweat
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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