I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He is an equal opportunity slut.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
