Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize