The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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