I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
