why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
