Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
