I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
