NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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