My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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