Your dad touched me again.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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