I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
