the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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